The following is a 100 percent fictitious account of a conversation between a 2K marketing employee (who we’ll call “Jonnie2K”) and an engineer (“Caleb”), presented in the form of a typical MyCareer/MyGM conversation. Enjoy.
RING RING RING...
Caleb: Hello?
Jonnie2K: Cal, my man, what’s up, MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Caleb: Hey Jonnie, Merry Christmas to you, too.
Jonnie2K: How’s the family?
Caleb: Great, we actually were just about to sit down for Christmas dinner–
Jonnie2K: Yum! Hey, so did you play any 2K today? Sick locker codes dropping lately, that amethyst Vince Carter is the bomb dot com, am I right?
Caleb: For sure, yeah, my son got 2K “from Santa” this morning and has been playing all day. Actually, excuse me for a second–
[Caleb covers the mouthpiece of the phone slightly and listens as his wife hollers at him to get off the phone to help his mother set the table for dinner.]
Caleb: Sorry Jonnie. Like I said, we were about to sit down–
Jonnie2K: No worries my guy. So you didn’t get a copy of the game when we launched?
Caleb: Like, for free?
Jonnie: Or whatever.
Caleb: Oh, no…were we supposed to?
Jonnie2K: Were you?
Caleb: Uh…
Jonnie2K: Sweet sale though, right? $29.99 if memory serves.
Caleb: Yup, we usually wait till it goes on sale during the holidays. And we had to get the Legend edition to get that sapphire LeBron MyTeam card. LBJ is my son’s favorite player. Loves the Lakers, loves Kobe and Magic, but he definitely thinks LeBron is the GOAT.
Jonnie2K: I won’t argue with that! And hey Cal, congratulations, that’s more than 50 percent off the retail price! What a steal, we should call the cops!
Caleb: Yup, guilty as charged…
Jonnie2K: Plus, there’s a sweet VC sale going on right now, too. But hey, speaking of LeBron and speaking of locker codes–
Caleb: Oh, my son didn’t get the Vince by the way, but he did get the MJ Anniversary Pack…the ruby Jimmy Butler was a nice addition to his squad.
Jonnie2K: Sweet! Jimmy McBuckets! Well, just between you and me, tell your kid that Santa is going to drop another one of those codes in a bit. So there’ll be another chance at Vinsanity or some fire MT.
Caleb: Nice.
Jonnie2K: Nice! So…
[Joyful screaming this time erupts from another room in Caleb’s house.]
Jonnie2K: Whoa, everything okay over there Cal?
Caleb: Wow, yeah, everything’s great! My son is just freaking out, he apparently found a locker code online for a pink diamond LeBron, and actually got it! What a great Christmas surprise! LeBron is his favorite player, ever.
Jonnie2K: The GOAT, right? So, about that…
Caleb: You should see him right now, jumping up and down like he won the lottery. He hasn’t been this happy since we got him a dog over the summer. Guess what the dog’s name is?
Jonnie2K: LeBron?
Caleb: Great guess!
Jonnie2K: You should get your kid a pet goat.
Caleb: What?
Jonnie2K: And call him LeBron.
Caleb: Oh right, I get it, because he’s the GOAT. That’s funny. Hey look Jonnie, thanks for the call but our food is gonna get cold, so–
Jonnie2K: I need you to come into the office.
Caleb: The office?
Jonnie2K: The office. You know, that place where you earn a living to feed your family?
Caleb: But it’s Christmas, and we were about to eat.
Jonnie2K: I know, I’m sorry, I really am, but there’s a huge catastrophic emergency and we need our best engineer on the case.
Caleb: Oh no, what happened? Was it the servers again? I’m putting my shoes on right now.
Jonnie2K: No, not the servers.
[Caleb gasps.]
Caleb: Hackers. We’re being hacked aren’t we? Oh man, why can’t we just let our children enjoy their video games in peace!
Jonnie2K: Caleb, we’re not being hacked.
Caleb: Then what?
[Caleb runs outside as the conversation continues.]
Jonnie2K: It’s pretty complicated, but you’re the only person we can trust with such a delicate situation.
Caleb: You’re gonna make me blush, Jonnie! I kind of thought you didn’t like me, like, at all.
Jonnie2K: What? No way, you’re my boy, blue!
Caleb: Awwww, I love you too, man.
[He hops into his modest SUV and fires it up. The phone call switches over to hands-free mode.]
Caleb: And I’m on my way!
Jonnie2K: Awesome.
[Caleb pulls out of the driveway and speeds off towards 2K HQ.]
Caleb: So what’s the problem again? If it’s not the servers and it’s not hackers…
Jonnie2K: Right. Yes. So that pink diamond LeBron…was an accident. We need you to delete it from existence and then never speak of any of this again.
Caleb: I’m sorry?
Jonnie2K: I’m sorry, too. It’s a bummer, it really is. But you got to snap your fingers like Thanos and turn that card to dust in the wind.
[Caleb is silent for a moment.]
Jonnie2K: Caleb? You there?
Caleb: What about my son, he’s going to be so disappointed.
Jonnie2K: Right, well like I mentioned earlier there’s that 10 percent off VC sale going on right now. Stock up on that sweet sweet VC, and before you know it we’ll drop some LeBron 20th Anniversary Packs with an even better LBJ card. How cool is that!?
Caleb: Uh, that’s not cool, actually. Remember last year when the Harden pack glitch happened, or any of the other numerous glitches we’ve had over the years?
Jonnie2K: I do, yeah.
Caleb: We didn’t do anything about that, right?
Jonnie2K: We did not. But we’re doing this now. I know it’s strange and possibly even a little unfair–
Caleb: A little?
Jonnie2K: But this is coming straight from the top. Don’t shoot the messenger my guy.
Caleb: Oh no, I’ve got to call my son!
Jonnie2K: Why?
Caleb: I’ve got to stop him from putting his only diamond contract or any shooting badges on that card!
Jonnie2K: Yeah, that’s smart Cal, that’s why you’re our best engineer. So I’ll let you go take care of that. And you know what, let’s drop some new diamond moments cards like Paul George and Kyrie while we’re at it.
Caleb: Another diamond PG13 and Kyrie?
Jonnie2K: Yeah, with the same overall rating as last time, but this Kyrie will have a legit hall of fame badge. Everyone will forget about LeBron by New Year’s Day.
Caleb: Yeah, you’re probably right. Okay, so I’ll see you in about 20 minutes?
Jonnie2K: Oh, I’m not coming into the office, I’m off till Monday. Good luck, thanks Cal–
Caleb: But–
Jonnie2K: And Merry Christmas!
[CLICK]
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Maybe next week I’ll talk about my new diamond Steve Francis or the MJ packs, but for now I think we should all just take a moment of silence for the pink diamond LeBron James promo card. May he rest in peace.
