Love/Marriage/Kids

[Galaxy]

I read the Boston.com message boards every now and then (just as a lurker), because I go to the city a lot. I came across this topic, and was interesting. Some of the posts are very suprising. What are your thoughts on the topic?

http://boards.boston.com/n/pfx/forum...tag=bc-general

[Galaxy]

Dola...

How much is daycare? I found that the one post if funny as hell, we could have two brand new BMW 745 cars in the drive way (first off, they aren't brand new, they are the previous model and can be had from around $50-$60k now) for what they pay in daycare? No wonder Americans, rich and poor, are in debt and have no savings or net worth. People earning six and seven figures could be on the bottom if the boat rocks.

[VPI97]

Originally Posted by Galaxy

How much is daycare?

If a car payment on a BMW 745 is $500 or less, then that post was correct.

[Riggins44]

My thought is that most people live beyond their means. They'd rather have expensive cars than a savings account. I say we hunt down and kill all those that have fancy cars and drink their blood. I know a place where we can build a giant bonfire and dance around it naked covered in blood.

[Galaxy]

Originally Posted by VPI97

If a car payment on a BMW 745 is $500 or less, then that post was correct.

A $500-a-month payment for 5 years would give you $30,000, which would include interest. He said two cars, which would bring it to $1,000-a-month ($60,000). I just am alittle shock at people comparing cars (which are the worst investment you could ever make, and after 5 years, they are "outdated") to human children. It's no problem to not want children, but I just find the reasoning and comparsions odd.

[ThunderingHERD]

The solution is obvious: yeep your kids locked in your $100,000 dollar car while your at work.

[NoMyths]

Originally Posted by Riggins44

My thought is that most people live beyond their means. They'd rather have expensive cars than a savings account. I say we hunt down and kill all those that have fancy cars and drink their blood. I know a place where we can build a giant bonfire and dance around it naked covered in blood.

Is it that place behind the Circle K? 'Cause I heard the cops are really cracking down on the bloody bonfire dancing these days.

[Elvis]

Good day care around where I work would cost about $950 a month. I'm not reading that other thread, just making a point here.

It's expensive, and unless you and your wife both make a really, really good living, you're better off financially keeping the kids at home - to say nothing of the obvious developmental benefits a child has from having his or her mother around all day.

[Draft Dodger]

Originally Posted by Elvis

Good day care around where I work would cost about $950 a month. I'm not reading that other thread, just making a point here.

It's expensive, and unless you and your wife both make a really, really good living, you're better off financially keeping the kids at home - to say nothing of the obvious developmental benefits a child has from having his or her mother around all day.

or dad...


signed,
a dad working until 2 am to avoid putting his kids in daycare.

P.S. see y'all at 8 am!

[Elvis]

Originally Posted by Draft Dodger

or dad...


signed,
a dad working until 2 am to avoid putting his kids in daycare.

P.S. see y'all at 8 am!

True. But it's not really "stereotyping" when you consider that probably 98% of stay-at-home parents happen to be the mother. It's better that way. My wife could probably make what I do, but my kids would be a disaster if I were left home alone with them all day, every day, and my fragile male ego couldn't handle that arrangement.

[Marc Vaughan]

True. But it's not really "stereotyping" when you consider that probably 98% of stay-at-home parents happen to be the mother. It's better that way. My wife could probably make what I do, but my kids would be a disaster if I were left home alone with them all day, every day, and my fragile male ego couldn't handle that arrangement.

This is probably true - however my sisters boyfriend stays at home with their sprog and I'm personally very jealous of him, I'd love to do so if I had the chance ...

Personally I find life definitely a juggle at this point, I've three kids and a reasonable career.

My wife and I made a choice that she'd stay at home with the kids while they're young because we both believe its important for them to have a parent around as much as possible, this does leave us skint - but I personally think there are much more important things in life than money ....

However the hardest thing imho with having kids is something which people don't tend to mention (especially multiple kids) - simply the strain it can put on a relationship. When its just two people together its easy to relate, go out and have fun ... add children into the mix and its sometimes hard to get time alone to discuss things or talk out problems because of listening ears or simply the volume of noise coming from elsewhere in the house.

This is the area where I've found things most challenging, money issues can largely be managed simply by avoiding going to the shops .... however its the juggle attempting to get time alone with my wife on a date (finding a baby-sitter who'll take 3 kids is a nightmare - we've got a good one at the moment, but he's 18 now and will soon move onto proper jobs) and not allowing the kids innocent manipulation to come between you (and trust me, lovely though my kids are they're more than happy to play one parent against another without realising it can cause serious harm to a marital relationship).

Marriage & kids is much more of a challenge then society tends to indicate and I for one think warning and preparing people in advance would help them, not least because people might feel more open to admit that things are harder than they expected rather than always feeling obliged to indicate how wonderful their kids are and that everything is hunky dory even if it isn't ..

[Tekneek]

The problem is that so many people think that both parents should continue working fulltime and they should be outsourcing the raising of their children. It is now such a widespread belief that people actually think it is the best way.

I work and my wife has stayed home since March 2004. We ran the 'rat race' for the first 3.5 years of my son's life, with both of us working fulltime, and hating it. We had been fooled into thinking we needed that extra money to get by. We've been happier with fewer dollars ever since then. Sure, we don't get new cars and instead drive them until they are dead (but with routine maintenance, you can put an incredible amount of miles on a car these days). I don't get all the new games, music, or movies like I used to. I don't get to eat out as much as I might like. You get used to it. Life gets a little simpler when you sort out what is really important and either trash or ration out the rest.

However, if my wife had a job offer that paid as much or more than what I earn, we would switch places and I would stay home. As it is, we're in the process of launching a home business that might allow both of us to work from home.

[Marc Vaughan]

The problem is that so many people think that both parents should continue working fulltime and they should be outsourcing the raising of their children. It is now such a widespread belief that people actually think it is the best way.

I agree ....

Good luck witht he 'home business' by the way - I hope it goes well

[kserra]

When my son was born, we went from making 80K combined to 45K with my job...

You take stock of your life and realize that you don't need to spend $200 going out on a Friday night...

You stop buying electronic toys that before you just couldn't live without...

Even, GASP, buy fewer computer games (Football Manager is the only game I've fired up in the last 6 months...my career is now into 2018)


What I've found is that having kids motivates a person far more than a wife/husband, a personal ambition, or the desire to keep up with the neighbors...

I've become far more productive at work, far more on-task with my time, and in the span of 18 months, I've received two promotions and $20K in raises, which, in education, is difficult to come by... Looking at my son when he sleeps and playing with him makes me stop whining about getting up early, about working like a dog, about finally putting to rest my dream of being a 30-year old comeback baseball player ...

It's what good parents do...and that's become our ultimate mission...


Now, in terms of the marriage...no doubt it changes things, and honestly, not all of it is for the better...but again, its life, you deal with it, and you make the best...

I get my wife (not my boy's MOM) back around 8:00 pm on the weeknights, and during the weekend between 12-2 pm (nap) and then after 8:00 pm...

It is wonderful, it is great, but I pity young kids who are pregnant and am amazed at parents who do it alone...

Kevin

[Radii]

My wife and I work very hard to do whatever we have to do to make sure she is able to remain a stay at home mom from a financial perspective. With our other financial goals(pay down debt, save for a home, save so that we can afford the next child somewhere down the road) it's not easy at all. Add in the fact that when we first started living together on just my salary we were most decidely living above our means, and its been a struggle. We've fixed that but really in terms of my salary we're living at our means, not signifigantly below. And taking that next step just on my salary has proven to be an even bigger struggle.

We both have side projects/ventures that are designed to bring in some extra money. Our level of committment to those dictates how much we set aside for our debt/house/kid, etc.

i wouldn't trade it for the world, but it ain't easy.

And yes, two kids in daycare certainly does cost as much as the payments on two BMW's in the driveway. I don't see a problem with that comparasion, a young couple where both work have to understand that they can easily afford a lot of nice things when its just the two of them that they will have to give up if they decide to have children. That's just reality.

[Daimyo]

Its hard... I'm 27 and starting to get to the point were I want children, but I also want a house and I can't imagine affording both right now in the Chicago area even with two incomes. My cousins the same age already have kids, but they live within a quarter mile of their parents so they get a LOT of help with it.

[dl5175]

We have three kids and we used to have daycare and babysitters. When we both were working we barely saw the kids on a daily basis so time with each other was a 15 min. conversation before my wife fell asleep. We made the tough choice of one of us staying home just so we could gain control of our house and lives. Since she has career goals and my job was paying people to leave we decided for me to stay home.
She thinks it has been good for the kids they are getting better grades in school but this is a lot harder than sitting at a desk doing accounting.

[Wolfpack]

I'm in generally the same boat as Radii: single income, living pretty much at the means. The problem lately has been just about everything is breaking down. Had to get a new dryer, opted to get a new refrigerator (but if you'd seen our old one, it wasn't much of an "option"), car repairs out the ying-yang, and the cherry on top with our home PC going to hell in a handbasket over the last few weeks (Motherboard? Got it Wednesday. Processor? Got it yesterday. Hard drive? Getting a replacement today. Ugh.)

And quite frankly, I wouldn't have it any other way with my wife being at home to care for our daughter. She wouldn't, either. Just about the only thing that could be better is to move closer to family and me do something I truly like to do instead of doing something that keeps a roof over our heads. Such is life.

[cuervo72]

I believe there was a report on 20/20 a few years ago that suggested all in all, it made more sense financially in most cases for a family to be single income rather than dual income with payments for child care. Now, I would think this would be less of a case as the second income gets higher, but if the higher paying jobs are in areas where expenses and child care are more expensive, who knows.

We have two kids, I work full time and my wife works a night shift one day every other weekend or so to keep her nursing license valid and for a little extra money. We still probably spend too much, but certainly aren't driving BMW's. But who really cares.

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by Marc Vaughan

This is the area where I've found things most challenging, money issues can largely be managed simply by avoiding going to the shops .... however its the juggle attempting to get time alone with my wife on a date (finding a baby-sitter who'll take 3 kids is a nightmare - we've got a good one at the moment, but he's 18 now and will soon move onto proper jobs) and not allowing the kids innocent manipulation to come between you (and trust me, lovely though my kids are they're more than happy to play one parent against another without realising it can cause serious harm to a marital relationship).

I'm glad to see that I'm not alone in thinking there is dating in marriage

Seriously, you post some very good points. That is part of why Mrs. Eaglesfan and I are waiting so long to have kids. It's not so much about her education, although that is part of it. We just want to have had a long time to really strengthen the foundation of our relationship. Barring birth control failure, we'll have been married for 8 to 9 years when we start trying for a family. Of course, that is partially possible because we married at a fairly young age.

[HomerJSimpson]

Originally Posted by Eaglesfan27

I'm glad to see that I'm not alone in thinking there is dating in marriage

Seriously, you post some very good points. That is part of why Mrs. Eaglesfan and I are waiting so long to have kids. It's not so much about her education, although that is part of it. We just want to have had a long time to really strengthen the foundation of our relationship. Barring birth control failure, we'll have been married for 8 to 9 years when we start trying for a family. Of course, that is partially possible because we married at a fairly young age.

That is a really good way to go about it. My wife and I were married 6 years before our first, and I do not think we would be as close, or even our marriage would have survived, if we had children earlier. We also make huge sacrifices for her to be a "at home" mom. Eventually, she will have to get back in the workforce (if my salary doesn't greatly increase), but not untill my youngest is much older. Fortunately, she does bring in some income by keeping a baby for a working mom.

[Galaxy]

Originally Posted by Radii

My wife and I work very hard to do whatever we have to do to make sure she is able to remain a stay at home mom from a financial perspective. With our other financial goals(pay down debt, save for a home, save so that we can afford the next child somewhere down the road) it's not easy at all. Add in the fact that when we first started living together on just my salary we were most decidely living above our means, and its been a struggle. We've fixed that but really in terms of my salary we're living at our means, not signifigantly below. And taking that next step just on my salary has proven to be an even bigger struggle.

We both have side projects/ventures that are designed to bring in some extra money. Our level of committment to those dictates how much we set aside for our debt/house/kid, etc.

i wouldn't trade it for the world, but it ain't easy.

And yes, two kids in daycare certainly does cost as much as the payments on two BMW's in the driveway. I don't see a problem with that comparasion, a young couple where both work have to understand that they can easily afford a lot of nice things when its just the two of them that they will have to give up if they decide to have children. That's just reality.

Thanks for clearing that up Radii. The cost of daycare seems insane. Going from daycare to school, does the relationship change?

[Radii]

Originally Posted by Galaxy

Thanks for clearing that up Radii. The cost of daycare seems insane. Going from daycare to school, does the relationship change?

Oliegirl would know the numbers better than me, but after school care when our son was in Kindergarten before Oliegirl stopped working was over $300/mo I believe. This was after we moved him out of the YMCA, which was much cheaper, but with whom we had some serious issues and decided to pull him out and put him somewhere else(The Y was leaving large groups of children totally unattended in the gym, and even worse than that, was propping the door from the gym to the outside open so that any of those unattended kids could have wandered out into the parking lot and ended up god knows where).

Anyway, I want to say that the pre-school he was in was more expensive than the after school care, but that the after school care was still prohibitively expensive. And that of course doesn't even begin to cover the invaluable time my wife and son have together every day.