The Shitty Habits of a Middle Aged Man

[MacroGuru]

Dear Diary,

It has been close to 8 days since my last post, those faithful at FOFC are still probably hanging on with baited breath to see what I accomplish, little do they know my shame...I have a fear, a fear of the next number, I just can't bring myself to write it, speak it or even look at it.

Please help me, the masses need it.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by sterlingice

If Behind the Music is any guide, Subby will peak in another few days with great progress. Then he won't post for a few days before a picture surfaces with him in front of a convenience store toilet, clock striking midnight with a giant spoon in one hand and an empty half gallon of ice cream in the other. Then he'll see the error of his ways and we'll have a redemption story. Finally, he'll finish up this dynasty, which will not be as popular as before and "fans" will all talk about how he sold out and how he sucks ever since gettting out of Ben and Jerry's rehab.

SI

I predict that I was right

SI

[Kodos]

26. No more abandoning things mid-stream.

[Subby]

DAY 26

This is what happens when you relapse. You pretend a lot. You conveniently forget shit. You make a crazy number of excuses. You stay embarrassed.

I wish I could explain it. Maybe I was too optimistic trying to come up with a random number like 30. I mean, I am probably not going to list scratching my balls in public or staring at high school girls' asses or ninja-picking my nose as bad habits. I don't want those read into the public record (THOSE ARE JUST EXAMPLES OF COURSE!)

Anyway, 25 is a pretty solid, round number. So maybe I try and stick with this list for a week. In the past week, I have fallen asleep on the couch three times. Eaten about 500 Oreo cookies and 5 gallons of ice cream. Sucked down a cream soda. Stopped riding my bike to work.

How's that working out for me?

One fat bitch. That's how.

So here's the challenge. Take these 25 bad habits. Don't do them for one week.

I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and see if I can actually make some progress.

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.
18. No burgers AND fries.
19. No computer addiction (no computer at home, 1 hour on weekend).
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week).
21. No seconds.
22. No restaurant desserts.
23. No donuts.
24. No popcorn.
25. No buying lunch.

How hard can this be? Honestly. I have got to stop being a mewling twat.

[Subby]

And - of course - apologies for leaving everyone high and dry for a week +. Selfish addicts are selfish.

[Subby]

DAY 27

It's 8:45am and I have already managed to fuck up much of my list. I woke up at 6:40am. LAZY. I drooped my kid off at school instead of making him walk. INSTILLING LAZINESS. I stopped by the bagel place and grabbed breakfast. FINANCIAL LAZINESS. I ate said breakfast in my car on the way to work. SLOPPY MANBOOBS SNARFDOWN.

And the best part.

I ATE TWO MOTHERFUCKING BAGELS.

Why? Now I am bloated and cranky, dealing with my man period and ready to kill anything that crosses me while I am flying high from my carb-enduced rage. Maybe the crazy homeless zombie people that snorted bath salts topped that off with multiple bagels because right now I feel like if someone looked at me the wrong way I WOULD EAT THEIR FACE.

So let's see...day just starting and I have violated the following:

8. No buying breakfast.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
16. No eating in the car.

I also didn't bother to put together any kind of meal this morning before I sprinted out the door, so I will also be violating this:

25. No buying lunch.

Hey dumbass - buying lunch makes you fatter and poorer. Clinical studies show that the fat and poor DO NOT SUCCEED IN THIS LIFE.

I am going to die in the next five years and my pissed off kids are going to pass on reviving me for the opportunity to punch me in the balls as hard as they can. BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING SELFISH ASSHOLE.

Four down, twenty-one to go. Tomorrow I weigh myself.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by Subby

DAY 26
I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and see if I can actually make some progress.

FAIL: Weighing self on Tuesday morning

SI

[Mike D]

Good lord, obviously I need to stop by the Dynasty pages more often. This has been an earth-shattering good read. Now stop fucking around and follow your goddamned rules!

[Crapshoot]

This is spectacular. Also, does Subby remind anyone of Drew Magary?

[MIJB#19]

You can do it, Subby!

[sterlingice]

*kicks the carcass of this once great thread*

It burned too bright, too quickly, I suppose

SI

[Subby]

DAY #(*&

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.
18. No burgers AND fries.
19. No computer addiction (30 minutes of computer at home, 1 hour on weekend).
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week).
21. No seconds.
22. No restaurant desserts.
23. No donuts.
24. No popcorn.
25. No buying lunch unless its a salad.

Yeah, so here I am 7 months later. Seven months wasted, weighing basically the exact same that I did when I started this. I got all the way up to 225 at the beginning of the year and have wrangled that back down to around 209, but really, should be a lot less. I am actually exercising more than ever (biking to work, occasionally going for long rides during the weekend). However, my absolute inability to be disciplined about ANYTHING is keeping me in the land of pinkish, chubby, middle-aged twats. What am I rocking today? You guessed it! GOLF SHIRT AND KHAKIS.

I am going to try and stick to this list this week, and maybe split it into a do and don't list. Every week I will add something new. Or maybe I won't. But I need to stop fucking around and lose weight, get strong, get healthy.

LET'S GO.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by sterlingice

If Behind the Music is any guide, Subby will peak in another few days with great progress. Then he won't post for a few days before a picture surfaces with him in front of a convenience store toilet, clock striking midnight with a giant spoon in one hand and an empty half gallon of ice cream in the other. Then he'll see the error of his ways and we'll have a redemption story. Finally, he'll finish up this dynasty, which will not be as popular as before and "fans" will all talk about how he sold out and how he sucks ever since gettting out of Ben and Jerry's rehab.

SI

Still betting on this outcome

SI

[DaddyTorgo]

Make a rule: "No Golf Shirts and Khakhis."

[QuikSand]

For you, I wish success and good health.

For me, I wish for continued greatness from this thread.

DELIVER ME

[Kodos]

Awesome, baby!

If it makes you feel better, I have been stuck in suckiness for the past half year too.

[GoldenEagle]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

Make a rule: "No Golf Shirts and Khakhis."

Golf shirts and khakis are awesome though. I am lucky enough to get to wear jeans to work, but I can't wear t-shirts. So I wear jeans, golf shirt, and tennis shoes.

The only issue with golf shirts are your nips are visible from outer space.

[Subby]

DAY 1
FAILURE

Oh we start off with such good intentions. Then 7pm rolls around and GOD tells me to send my kid to the snackbar to get a Diet Coke and Snickers. THANKS GOD. Then I get home from my kid's game and settle in on the couch to watch baseball and decide that eating three servings of nuts at 9pm would be a good idea. Again, I probably would have DIED OF STARVATION if I hadn't eaten right then. LIVES SAVED: 1.

I can't move forward until I get EVERYTHING right. Everything. Here is how it went yesterday:

1. No soda. - Fuck me, one diet coke. FAIL.
2. No Starbucks. - Avoided!
3. No Convenience Stores. - Avoided!
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small) - Avoided!
5. No eating after 8pm. - Nuts in my mouth on the couch. So salty. FAIL.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend) Fall asleep on couch, shamble up to bed at 11:30pm. FAIL.
7. No cookies. Avoided!
8. No buying breakfast. Brought oatmeal to work and ate it. Success!
9. No candy bars. Useless Snickers jammed down my piehole. FAIL.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max). No pizza to gorge. Success!
11. No food from work kitchen. Shitty selection in work kitchen. AVOIDED!
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am). Out of bed at 5:05am. Success!
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.) I have this one on lockdown. Rode to and from work yesterday for a total of 26 miles, 105 minutes, 1,000 calories.
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise) Avoided!
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max) Semi-fail. Work coffee so shitty that I drank a bunch of half cups which probably totaled more than 2.
16. No eating in the car. Biking to work makes this much easier. Success!
17. No neglecting oral hygiene. Fail. Did not brush before work.
18. No burgers AND fries. Avoided both!
19. No computer addiction (30 minutes of computer at home, 1 hour on weekend). This one is tough, but I did not use the computer at all last night. Success!
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week). I slept through most of the Nats - Braves game. Success?
21. No seconds. We had spaghetti for dinner and I did not go back for a second mountain. Success! However I did grab a handful of cashews after dinner. Fail!
22. No restaurant desserts. Success!
23. No donuts. Success!
24. No popcorn. Success!
25. No buying lunch unless its a salad. I bought my lunch and it was a salad. Success!

SEVEN FAILS.

Soda, Candy bar, Caffeine, Seconds, Eating after 8pm, Bed by 10pm, Oral hygeine.

18-7...good for a starting pitcher. Bad for a dying fat suburbanite.

[Subby]

Originally Posted by GoldenEagle

The only issue with golf shirts are your nips are visible from outer space.

Modern fabrics only exacerbate this, by the way.

[Subby]

DAY 2
FAILURE

There are few items more emblematic of modern man's failures than the cupcake. To call something a cupcake is to point out its weakness or shortcomings. No one ever looked at Chuck Norris and said, "GOOD LORD THAT DUDE IS A FUCKING CUPCAKE!"

No. What they do is look at the middle-aged dad caught in a carbohydrate death spiral and think to themselves, "well, I might be losing the game of life, but at least I beating THAT cupcake."

So I was doing great yesterday until they ordered in gourmet cupcakes for a meeting we were having our office. Now as we all know, there is a huge difference here. Normal, grocery store cupcakes - the kind that come in the plastic clamshell - are just whatever. Cupcakes from a bakery or better yet...a cupcake PLACE...that's special. You know they're probably laced with crack (the good kind, not that low grade shit people make in their bathtub).

Of course I have a funny relationship with cupcakes. I could probably eat six without blinking (sure, I would drop into a 2 hour mini-coma, but I would definitely come out the other side). What I end up doing to combat that is to just eat the cupcake tops, which is mostly frosting. Basically akin to Costanza's pudding skin singles. Or muffin tops. So, even though the leftover cupcakes were IN MY WORK KITCHEN, I had two tops. Because they were SPECIAL. I mean, I couldn't even stop at one. Although, hey...kudos to me for stopping at 2?

Scale this morning said 208.6 lbs. Just 43.6 el bees overweight! Basically me and a dead six year-old, living the dream.

Still...

1. No soda. CHECK
2. No Starbucks. CHECK
3. No Convenience Stores. CHECK
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small) CHECK
5. No eating after 8pm. CHECK! This is one of the worst and somehow I crushed it - and I actually slept better. Go figure.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend) CHECK
7. No cookies. CHECK (Just cupcakes, which is worse. DICK.)
8. No buying breakfast. CHECK.
9. No candy bars. CHECK.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max) CHECK.
11. No food from work kitchen. MASSIVE FAIL.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am). CHECK. Up at 557am...just barely!
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.) CHECK!
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise) CHECK
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max) FAIL.. I made dinner last night and it was "breakfast dinner" - eggs, bacon, cantaloupe, rolls. And I am such a creature of habit that I MUST HAVE COFFEE WITH BREAKFAST.
16. No eating in the car. CHECK.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene. FAIL. I flossed/brushed/rinsed...but just once. GROSS.
18. No burgers AND fries. CHECK.
19. No computer addiction (30 minutes of computer at home, 1 hour on weekend). CHECK.
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week). CHECK. It helps when the Nats are getting crushed.
21. No seconds. FAIL. I took an extra roll after my dinner was finished. Not a huge deal, but STILL AGAINST THE RULES.
22. No restaurant desserts. CHECK.
23. No donuts. CHECK.
24. No popcorn. CHECK. Why is this a rule again?
25. No buying lunch unless its a salad. CHECK.

I am getting below 200 by the end of this month, I don't care if it kills me.

[digamma]

Originally Posted by Subby

Modern fabrics only exacerbate this, by the way.

T-shirts are your friend. Plus they make the whites whiter and the blues bluer.

[digamma]

21-4 definitely gets you into the tournament. Nice work.

[GoldenEagle]

I might have to try this biking to work and back thing. I actually drove a route I think I could go where there would be minimal car traffic. Do you just carry a backpack with your clothes in it? Do you have a bike lane your entire way? I am sure its easier in a town like DC as opposed to Memphis which is behind the times. Plus I live and work in the suburbs.

[Subby]

Originally Posted by GoldenEagle

I might have to try this biking to work and back thing. I actually drove a route I think I could go where there would be minimal car traffic. Do you just carry a backpack with your clothes in it? Do you have a bike lane your entire way? I am sure its easier in a town like DC as opposed to Memphis which is behind the times. Plus I live and work in the suburbs.

DC Metro area is really bike friendly, so I am fortunate to have bike lanes and multi use paths all the way in to the city. Once I get in to the city it gets a little dicier, but I have a couple of solid routes and there are a lot of bike lanes.

I am mostly taking my road bike in right now, so I carry a backpack. For a long time I commuted in on a Trek hybrid. It works great for commuting because it can be fitted with a rear rack to which you can fit panniers (fancy name for saddle bags). At some point I will probably go to a mix of what I use now (drop handle bars, thinner tires) and then (rack capability). That probably means a cyclocross bike. If I was starting from scratch, I would definitely get a cross bike.

[sterlingice]

This thread coming back might be something that keeps me coming back to FOFC more often than I should

SI

[Subby]

Heading into the weekend where basically all bets are off.

Went on a field trip with my twins today and managed to break the cookie rule but did okay otherwise. Got home late and actually managed to exercise, too. Now I need to be in bed within 9 minutes to avoid fucking up my bedtime rule.

Going to try and make it through Saturday and Sunday without missing more than 5 things total.

[Subby]

Bike accident this weekend -ambulance, broke stuff, typing lefty. Back in a few weeks.

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by Subby

Bike accident this weekend -ambulance, broke stuff, typing lefty. Back in a few weeks.

OUCH!

Feel better man!

[MacroGuru]

Originally Posted by Subby

Bike accident this weekend -ambulance, broke stuff, typing lefty. Back in a few weeks.

Ugh Subby, not good. Heal up and get better!

[Cap Ologist]

Perfect cover story so we don't suspect a relapse.

[Kodos]

Originally Posted by Subby

Bike accident this weekend -ambulance, broke stuff, typing lefty. Back in a few weeks.

Sorry to hear that, Subby. Here's to quick healing. Maybe even Sexual Healing.

[Subby]

here's an x ray - one of the ribs lookin' good!

[Desnudo]

Great thread! With everything you are trying to cut out, have you ever thought about going all in on a Paleo or Slow Carb diet?

[Subby]

Definitely. Working up to a dairy-free, low sugar, wheat free approach.

In other news, hospital xray showed hairline fracture of clavicle, no biggie, standard recovery. Went to orthopedist on Friday and he took a different x-ray. Hospital x-ray very wrong. Surgery next week.

[DaddyTorgo]

Holy crap!!