JJLinn
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
You guys are making me see that the world is really not worth being a part of. It's not even worth it anymore. I can't even get on the internet without being ridiculed by people I don't know. Life is overrated anyway.
I just don't get how people can openly and frequently make fun of someone with depression issues. I don't care how harmless you think your words are, it affects me. I'm a person too.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Just out of curiosity me and my one friend drive by our friend's house to see what he was doing because his parents weren't home. We were joking about it, saying he was probably getting drunk by himself because he does that a lot. Lo and behold, we see nearly all of our friend's cars parked out front...it's a complete slap in the face. I text him a sarcastic "thanks for inviting me" and don't get a straight answer back, what else is new. I basically got rid of my best friend because they hated her and said I'd be better off without her. I figured this way I'd actually get invited to everything and they'd stop treating me like garbage, but no. So basically I lost the most important friend I've ever had and now have nobody. I've been so angry about it the whole night and just wanted to talk to someone about it, but I don't have anyone to go to anymore because Jordan wants nothing to do with me, so I'm stuck keeping all of this inside, and it's to the point where enough is enough. I don't know what to do. I miss her, I miss not having real friends who include me in everything, I just want a normal life with normal friends who don't ditch you, someone you can turn to when you feel like snapping. I'm alone as hell right now.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
My mom basically wants nothing to do with me...she only calls when I owe her money or when she needs to yell. I'm not even allowed out there to see my dogs. At my cousins birthday party yesterday, we were around each other for 2 hours and didn't do so much as make eye contact. I'm forced to live at my aunt's house (which is actually a better situation for me) and keep half of my stuff in my car. She decided to get engaged and thought that her co-workers deserved to know before I did. She told everyone when it was happening and where...except for me of course. I doubt I'll even get invited. Then you have my always-crappy relationship with my dad, and I'm left with essentially no parents.
Then, my best friend shuts me out. I don't care how lame I look for calling a girl my best friend, she was, and she was the best thing that ever happened to me. I guarantee I wouldn't have made it to today without her. For her to not only refuse to talk to me but completely block me off of Facebook is the biggest slap in the face I could ever receive...and then to have her random boyfriend threaten me because I wanted to try to clear the air with her...I didn't think she could be that low. She obviously has no interest in my feelings or me in general, and she used me for 4 years. I don't care if we weren't together, it's one of the biggest losses in my life. Noone here really understands how close we actually were. I've been trying for a month to get over it and nothing works...I can't find any girls to "replace" her with, mainly because I haven't tried, but still. I don't know what to do.
Then a few of my closest friends decided to break off and exclude me from everything. I don't know why, because I never did anything to them, and I figured not being friends with the girl helped, but obviously not. So basically I've lost 5 people I've known since middle school, some elementary school.
I'm so fed up with life in general right now...it seems like there's nothing in it for me. Everyone else seems happy and keeps their friends, while mine want nothing to do with me. I can't rely on a steady relationship with any parent, I just get used by them for money. I come here and expect to get away from everything, but I get degraded further, and everything has just gotten to the point where I'm about to say screw it and give up on everyone. If my closest friends aren't dependable, there's no way they can be either. Everything's just not worth it anymore.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
But on the same note, when she goes to Inner Harbor later this week, I hope she sees all the Orioles stuff anywhere so she thinks of me...and I hope the fact that she treated me like **** will eat at her and make her feel like an idiot for ditching me for some random idiot she met on Facebook...stupid girl.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
First, my grades/school. I failed to realize that my high school study/work habits just weren't going to cut it at the collegiate level, and it cost me. I couldn't get over my procrastination issue no matter what I did, and that lost me points on several assignments because they were so rushed. I was irresponsible/unorganized to the point where I'd forget about assignments and not do them at all. Needless to say, it killed my grades. I'm definitely going to take this long break and reconsider my habits, and I'm probably going to go see someone to see if I can get some sort of medicine, because I hear that procrastination can be caused by ADD/ADHD, which I may have.
Second, my relationships with both parents have gotten even worse. I currently live with my aunt because not only did I not want to live so far out, but she won't let me out there. We're not fighting, but when I ask to come visit the dogs or pick up some clothes, she makes up excuses for me not to come.
As for my dad, he forgot about my birthday, and the sad part is it wasn't the only time he has. Have yet to receive a card and didn't get a call until the day after.
Back to my mom, she also did something that was, to me, extremely messed up. Her and her boyfriend (who I hate) got engaged, and she didn't tell me. I had my aunt come in the same day and ask me if she told me, and I said no and thought she was joking. She asked "didn't she send you a picture of the ring? i thought she sent it to everyone", and again I said no. How you don't tell your own (and only) child that you're getting married is beyond me. It makes me feel like she wants nothing to do with me.
Then, I just recently lost one of my close friends due to some stupid drama. The story basically goes like this: he was with this girl, another close friend of mine, for like 2 years, and they broke up awhile back. He was acting like he wanted her back yet was hanging out with several girls and even told me he and one girl had feelings for each other. One night me and his ex-girlfriend were at a party and she seemed really upset about it because he was being an ***hole to her, so I told her what he said so she wouldn't get set up to be hurt again and so she'd realize she wasn't doing anything wrong. He finds out, yells at me, not friends anymore.
Next day, I finally did something that I've been keeping in for over 2 years...I decided it was time to tell my best friend I had feelings for her. I let it all out, I told her I was sick of seeing her get hurt by random guys and she wouldn't have to worry about that anymore, and how I'd be able to give her everything she always told me she wanted (a guy to put her first, give her all the attention, don't treat her like crap, let her know that you love her, etc.). It ended up being an epic fail. She told me I was an idiot for telling her, she doesn't want to be best friends anymore, and I need to "pick myself up and live my own life". Whatever...I'm trying not to be bummed out about it but when you lose someone who you've been close to for almost 4 years, it kinda hits home. Not to mention I now regularly talk to 0 girls.
I guess the only thing I can do is move on, but it won't be easy...as someone who has gone through depression before, that leaves me just that much more vulnerable to fall back into it, and I'm trying hard not to even though all this stuff is dampening my moods on a daily basis. It's a lot to think about, and I might have to see a psychiatrist to help me out, but I'm desperate to not let this ruin my life. In my dream world she'd come back and tell me she was wrong and she feels the same way, and my parents will learn to be competent, but I know that neither will ever happen.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
First one is USF in Tampa. My family's in Tampa, about 15 minutes away from campus. They have the major that I want, which is good. Problem is, I've never heard any positive things about the campus.
Second is UCF in Orlando. Campus is amazing, tons of people, lots to do around the area. The only issue is that it's about an hour and a half away from my family in Tampa. They also have my major.
Basically I'm looking for people who know about/went to either one of these schools. I'm gonna apply to both, but right now UCF seems like the frontrunner.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
So now I really don't have a "home". I stay at my gram's after classes and I sleep there sometimes, and sometimes I sleep out at my mom's house. The whole thing is just really stressful and depressing. I don't have a place to stay for the summer yet, I need to figure that out. I still owe BGSU $1,600, and I need to find a job. My grades are struggling, which is my fault obviously. Life in general just sucks right now, and I'm hoping things get better sooner rather than later.
Thankfully, throughout the whole thing, I've had my rock to lean on, my best friend. Even though we both have our issues and aren't doing the greatest right now, we both stay strong for one another, and I couldn't be more thankful/appreciative. I have no idea where I'd be without her, and I know she's going to be involved in my life forever in one way or another. The whole thing has made me, for some reason, want to finally come out with my feelings towards her, but I'm still a little iffy on that, as usual. Either way, I'm lucky to have her around.
Sigh, this was my first blog in ages. Exhausting.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
I just have one question to everyone. Why?
What have I done to you to make you hate me so much? I've never come after any of you verbally, save one person, so what is it? I've tried everything I could to not go against you and piss you off. Hell, I want to go back to BGSU so you guys don't harrass me for that anymore. What else do you want me to do?
Do you seriously hate me because I've disagreed with you at some point? I don't get it.
I just want answers...tell me directly why. And even if you don't, why do you harrass me all the time? OS is one of the reasons why the BG situation bothers me so much, so why put me through all that stress?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Like tonight, I feel like I want to live at home with my mom. We've had a relatively bad relationship, but we've been getting along lately and it's a place that I'm familiar with and I'd feel more comfortable there, and the thought that I'm never going to live at home again scares the hell out of me. I just want it to be summer so I don't have to worry about anything and can just enjoy myself. I miss my friends that are away at school and miss how things use to be when we would chill all the time; during school, after school, on the weekends, all summer, etc., and even though I live with 2 of my good friends, it's still not the same. I can't wait to go back down to OCMD for Senior Week and make up for what I didn't do last year. I miss high school and would do anything to go back, because we all had it made then. I'm afraid of a lot...afraid of getting older and being all alone. I've been feeling clingy towards my family lately, wanting to be around them all the time, because of the fear of being alone, even though I know that they'll always be there. The whole BGSU thing has me on the fence...one hour I'm 100% positive that I want to go back, the next hour I'm not so sure.
I'm just so confused right now, and I'm considering going to talk to a psychiatrist just to vent and see if there's anything wrong with me, because I'm afraid that I'm slipping back into depression. I just want to be happy and not worry about everything. I'm sick of being afraid of getting older, and being afraid of what's going to happen next. I just don't get it, why are all of my other friends, and millions of other 18-19 year olds, adapting without issue and I'm having such a hard time?
Monday, January 12, 2009
If I'm allowed, I'm seriously considering going back to Bowling Green in the fall.
I feel like I owe it to myself. I need to get past this mental hurdle that I have. Whenever I'm outside of my comfort zone, I try to find the quickest and easiest way out, and I need to stop doing that and learn to adapt like normal adults do. It was a great place that I took for granted, and I just feel like it's sort of unfinished business in a way. I love Bloomsburg, but I don't think staying here for college is best for me, and I wish I had this in mind when I was still in BG. But again, I had a million people in my ear (999,999 being my conscience, all with different opinions, the other my mom) which made it really hard on me. It's all I can think about now that the semester has started..."I should be in BG right now, not at home".
I don't know why I got these feelings all of a sudden, but they're pretty strong. The weird thing is, as I was signing the withdrawal papers, the only part of the conversation with the guy that I can remember is when he said "if you ever choose to come back, you're welcome to". Maybe that's a sign, or maybe I just have a bad memory.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
This happens all the time...I lay in bed for hours, can't sleep, and I think of stuff that gets me depressed.
I know I'll get lit up for saying this, but I want to go back to BGSU so bad. I'm such an idiot for leaving, and even though I was forced to make a choice by the first week, I was an idiot for leaving. There was nothing wrong with the place, but I'm too much of a mental p****y to deal with any kind of adversity and I just gave up and pissed it away. I'm starting at BU this semester, so it's not like my future is ruined, but I really want to go back. I had too many people yelling in my ear, notably my family telling me to come home, for me to make a clear and thorough decision, and as usual I caved into what other people wanted. Now I'm stuck in this town for the rest of my life. If I would've waited long enough, I would've gotten caught up in homework and other crap that would've taken away a little bit of the homesickness I had, but again my mental p***y syndrome prevented me from doing so. Add this to the many, many things in my life that I'd like a re-do on.
Friday, December 12, 2008
I wish I could re-do middle school and high school as far as sports go. I wasn't one of those guys who could pick something up right away, but once I played more and more, I was actually decent. I played baseball, basketball, football, and wrestled up until like 5th grade, and after that I dropped all of them but basketball. Outside of when those sports were in season, I never really practiced them or anything. I didn't have a basketball hoop at my house, I didn't live with my dad or any other male to play football with or practice baseball with, and I didn't really like wrestling anyway. So of course, I was falling behind everyone else. Because of that I never really improved as much as I could have and missed out on a lot of playing time. Take basketball for instance. In 4th, 5th, and 6th grade I was always a good player, and then all of a sudden in 7th grade when all of our friends got put together, I went all the way to the bottom of the bench. It was a huge change and I got extremely discouraged and lost the confidence that you need to be good. It's not like I was getting replaced by scrubs (we went like 21-1 that year), but it was still pretty tough to handle, so I quit halfway through the season.
Same thing happened in 8th grade. I thought I got better, still wound up pretty low on the depth chart, and I quit. Around this time my friends started lifting and playing football again, but I was too lazy to do either and I was going through depression at the time, so I fell even more behind.
9th grade basketball came, same thing happened, I quit. Looking back I'm an idiot for thinking that things would change just by coming out each year.
I was so demoralized by my sophomore year that I didn't play any sports, didn't work out, nothing. I tried basketball again junior year, thinking that since I'd be on JV, I'd get PT, but nothing. I started working out a little bit, but after about two weeks all of a sudden I was just like "eh, I don't feel like going today" and that was the end of that. In about April of my junior year, I decided that I really wanted to improve my game and be able to become a player who can get solid minutes on varsity the next year. I literally played every day, whether it be at the park or at the YMCA. I went to every open gym our coach had, and I got significantly better. I had my friends actually considering me a decent athlete for the first time ever. I somehow became an above average shooter, and possibly the best senior as far as shooting was concerned. I noticed that I was quicker with the ball, more decisive, more confident, stuff like that. For once I didn't get bummed if I missed a shot.
So our coach registered Bloomsburg for a summer league, and me and a few of my friends decided to play. There were 5 or 6 seniors (myself included), 2 or 3 juniors, and 6 or 7 sophomores. This late in my high school career, though, my coach already had his mind made up about me and what role I played, no matter how good I did. Even though I played really well in the summer league when I was in, I still barely played and was often put in after all of the sophomores. I was a little bummed, but I knew that there were still 3-4 months until the season and I could get even better. I kept playing, kept practicing. The season came around, and nothing changed. I was stuck practicing with the JV team, and even though 8 or 9 guys were missing because they were in the football playoffs, I still couldn't get a minute. That was the end of that. I thought "all of that hard work and effort I put in...I worked my *** off, and it doesn't get noticed?". He never even said "you've gotten a lot better since last year" or anything like that, it was as if I was still the same benchwarming player. Even though it was my senior season, I quit again. I couldn't take going to practice knowing that no matter what I did, nothing would change.
I just regret everything. I wish I would've played more, went to basketball camps, stuff like that. As far as football goes, this is my biggest regret for two reasons; One is that I loved playing. Back in midgets I used to have a ton of fun playing. The second reason is that we had an amazing team last year, the best in our school's history. We went 13-2 and were one game away from the state championship. I wish I would've started working out in middle school and played in junior high so maybe I could've played some sort of role on that team other than bench. Every time I go to a football game I always think "man, what if I would've gotten bigger and played?" I think about it all the time. Then I see my friends, all of them excelled at at least one sport, most of them more than one, and then there's me, who didn't earn a single varsity letter. I get a lot of flack for that and am labeled the "unathletic one" out of our group of friends. The thing that sucks the most about that is that I know I'm athletic, I just didn't apply myself, and I really wish I would have, because now I have nowhere to play. College intramurals just aren't the same.
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